So What if Corporations are People?

So, in Colbert’s PAC’s latest ad, they make the case that if corporations are people, that Mitt Romney is a serial killer.

Which, if you apply the definition of a person to a corporation, is true. There’s no question someone who carves up/breaks up/destroys companies for profit would be a serial killer if this definition was valid.

What else does it mean though if corporations were people though?

  1.  A corporation could run for president. I don’t mean the CEO, I mean the corporation. As in, you could have President McDonald’s or President Disney. Not everyone could run though – a lot of tech companies would be ineligible for a lot of public office positions because they aren’t old enough, being incorporated in the late 90s or in the 2000s.
  2. If corporations are responsible for deaths, they can be put on trial. So, say, if employees die in a work-related accident caused by negligence? Well, you could bring the corporation to trial.
  3. Corporations are immortals. The only way they can die is by self-inflicted wounds, or if they kill other corporations Highlander style and absorb their power (there can be only one, after all!) This also would mean one could draw the conclusion that if one incorporates themselves, they will gain immortality by extension.
  4. Corporations are entitled to federal pensions. Which means that corporations old enough, like IBM or Disney, would be getting free money from the government.
  5. If one aids a corporation in killing another corporation, eg if they’re the CEO or on the board, or even working for the corporation, does that not make them accessories to murder if they helped the corporation accomplish these goals? This is a potentially criminal offense.
  6. Corporations age – though they are immortal, they will show signs of aging such as lethargy and taking forever to get things done. HOWEVER, like Time Lords, they are capable of regeneration, and they can once again become nimble or grow a new personality/appearance.

Am I missing anything? Feel free to chime in on what else corporations being people entails.

Posted in Teknobabble

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